Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
