He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
