i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
