Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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