Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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