Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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