I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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