A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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