I'm sorry my penis didn't work
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I stole a fireplace last night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
