I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
