you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
