so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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