I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
