just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
