On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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