Umm I'm too high to move.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
