Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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