Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
