Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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