But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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