You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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