Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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