I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
