so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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