so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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