I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
