it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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