You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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