is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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