I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
