Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
