my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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