anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
