I wish I could teleport
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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