Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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