On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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