just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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