I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just cut my nipple shaving
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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