Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
