how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
