@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
