so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
