I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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