Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
