I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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