I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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