while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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