I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
