it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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