i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
