I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
