im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
