dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
