Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
