My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
