I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
